Don't drink and write at the same time

[anteros_lmc]

I freely admit I know bugger all about writing. I tend to find it happens or it doesn't. I have no idea why, and I've never been greatly inclined to learn more about the process. I worked briefly as a web editor for a newspaper and it confirmed my suspicion that any job that involved writing on demand would be my idea of hell. And despite having spent most of my life working in higher education I have always managed to avoid posts that require you to publish or die.

Having said that I do enjoy writing, especially about pretty sailors or stuff other more talented folks have written. So although its not the kind of thing I would usually read I did rather like today's Grauniad article Ten rules for writing fiction which invited a bunch of authors to share their personal dos and don'ts. Here's a few of my favourites:

• Using adverbs is a mortal sin.


• Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do.


• Don't go near the online bookies – unless it's research.


• Do keep a thesaurus, but in the shed at the back of the garden or behind the fridge, somewhere that demands travel or effort. Chances are the words that come into your head will do fine, eg "horse", "ran", "said".


• Don't write in public places.


• The first 12 years are the worst.


• Try to be accurate about stuff.


• Don't have children.


• It's doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.


• Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.


• Write. No amount of self-inflicted misery, altered states, black pullovers or being publicly obnoxious will ever add up to your being a writer. Writers write. On you go.


• Never use the word "then" as a conjunction – we have "and" for this purpose.


• Don't drink and write at the same time.


• Don't take any shit if you can possibly help it.

All advice I shall follow to the letter of course ;)

With thanks to Jonathan Franzen, AL Kennedy, Richard Ford, Anne Enright, Geoff Dyer, Roddy Doyle, Margaret Atwood andElmore Leonard.

Comments

[joyful-molly.livejournal.com]

Heeeh! I think I can really only 100% subscribe to the last rule. Thanks for posting this, interesting! Unfortunately, it looks like I'll never write a bestseller... :-P

# Using adverbs is a mortal sin.

# Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do.

# Don't go near the online bookies – unless it's research.

# Do keep a thesaurus, but in the shed at the back of the garden or behind the fridge, somewhere that demands travel or effort. Chances are the words that come into your head will do fine, eg "horse", "ran", "said".

# Don't write in public places.

# The first 12 years are the worst.

# Try to be accurate about stuff.

# Don't have children. I would, if I could.

# It's doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.

# Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.

# Write. No amount of self-inflicted misery, altered states, black pullovers or being publicly obnoxious will ever add up to your being a writer. Writers write. On you go.

# Never use the word "then" as a conjunction – we have "and" for this purpose.

# Don't drink and write at the same time.

# Don't take any shit if you can possibly help it.

[anteros-lmc.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed :D It did make me laugh. As does your icon. Adorable!

I particularly liked:
It's doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.
and
Don't drink and write at the same time.

Better go, my glass is empty ;)

[sarlania.livejournal.com]

Hehe I have to admit I am guilty of some of these.

[anteros-lmc.livejournal.com]

I shall be checking your fic for adverbs and the use of inappropriate conjunctions forthwith!

I'm probably guilty of most of these apart from visiting online bookies and writing on my arm.

[kittycallum.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm guilty of breaking most of those rules! Writing in public especially. And having an internet connection. But ... I try. Thanks for posting, this was fun to read -- and possibly quite useful! ("Possibly" because I haven't put the principles into action yet. Once I do, I'll post the result!)

[anteros-lmc.livejournal.com]

I'll look forward to seeing the result! Enjoy your travels :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_likimeya/]

To be honest, I am a little taken aback by those rules. Some are helpful and reassuring, but others… One can argue about those concerning style, I suppose, but those on the conditions under which to write seem downright ridiculous. Different people work best under different circumstances, and so it seems just a little bit egocentric of those authors to make rules out of what works best for them. It's not the most helpful advice.
Take the last two points, for instance. Far be it from me to recommend drugs to anybody, but how could you be able to predict their effect on the quality of somebody’s writing? For some people it worked admirably. Goethe wrote best when drunk on red wine; Schiller kept rotting apples under his table because the fumes seemed to have a stimulating effect on him. And as for not writing in public places – do I really need to comment on that? I do think the world would be quite a few of its most acclaimed and/or beloved books worse off if all people had followed that rule. :p

[anteros-lmc.livejournal.com]

Couldn't agree more! Did you have a look at the article I cribbed these from? The advice is wildly contradictory. Some of the authors have obviously taken the brief _very_ seriously, others have been downright flippant. I probably won't be listening to most of this advice tbh :)

Fascinating about Schiller btw. Although I think keeping rotten fruit under your desk may be taking things a wee bit too far ;)