Title: Wings
Author: Anteros
Characters: Bush, Kennedy, Hornblower, Wellard
Rating: G
Warnings: Stupid, stupid, stupid Hornblower / LoTR Crossover Crackfic
Notes: I'm blaming
gayalondiel for this one, although
nodbear's not completely blameless. Gaya said "when someone new comes along and asks who pushed Captain Sawyer. Which is a worthy question (for the uninitiated, it's the equivalent of whether Balrogs have wings)". That resulted in a stupid plot bunny.
gayalondiel m'dear, you can have this as a slightly belated birthday present. Everyone else might want to just ignore it. I'm going to pretend it never happened ;)
Lieutenant Bush found his quarry in the furthest recess of the hold. Not a place one would expect to find two lieutenants and a midshipman in the normal course of duty. Not unless they had something to hide. Bush's approach had been so silent that he was on them before they had time to scatter.
"Gentlemen?"
Wellard jumped up from the keg he'd been sitting on knocking it over and sending it rolling across the deck with a hollow clatter. Kennedy startled and shot a glance at the man crouched beside him. Only Hornblower remained impassive his face immediately assuming the mask like quality Bush had observed on previous occasions.
"Mr Bush?" Hornblower made the simple response sound like a polite but adamant challenge.
"I thought I might find you here," Bush faltered slightly in the face of Hornblower's implacable gaze. "I thought...I thought you might be able to tell me what happened the night the captain fell."
Kennedy, flicked another quick look at Hornblower. The 4th lieutenant's nervous glance convinced Bush he was on the right track and he steeled his nerve to ask the question he had come seeking an answer for.
"How did the captain fall down the hatchway, Mr Hornblower?"
"Mr Bush I am quite certain I know no more than I have already told you. I can only assume he missed his footing and lost his balance." It was stated as such a simple matter of fact that Bush was almost prepared to believe Hornblower. But still that mask like expression disturbed him.
"And you're quite sure..."
"The captain lost his footing and fell. I saw it" It was Wellard who had butted in. The boy was standing against the bulkhead, face pale, eyes wide as a rabbit's caught in the glare of a poachers lantern.
"I saw it. It caught his ankle."
Both Kennedy and Hornblower startled and for a moment Bush saw an expression of horror of disbelief flit across the 3rd lieutenant's face.
"Someone caught the captain's ankle Mr Wellard?" Bush tried to keep his voice steady.
"No, no, not someone, some thing." The boy was pale with terror. "It was like a shadow with flame flickering all around it, like a cat of fire."
"A what?" Now it was Bush's turn to assume the countenance of a startled rabbit. The bossun's beating had clearly addled the boy's wits.
Wellard was gasping for breath but appeared determined to continue. "A cat... a whip... it... it... caught the captain and dragged him over the edge."
"Mr Wellard are you telling me that someone dragged the captain down the hatchway with a cat?"
Wellard was blinking furiously, he looked as if he was about to cry.
"I couldn't see sir. It was so dark, and it's shadow reached out like two vast wings...."
"Wings? Wings Mr Wellard?" Bush was still gaping in astonishment when Hornblower stepped in.
"Wings indeed! Clearly Mr Wellard is not himself. The boy is startling at shadows. No doubt a result of Dr Clive's ministrations."
"But Horatio, Mr Wellard did say wings," Kennedy cut in.
"Nonsense Mr Kennedy, I do believe the boy's words were "like wings."
"But if it is a creature of shadow and its shadow is like wings then surely it indeed has wings. You are the master of logic Horatio you must see that is the case." Kennedy had set his jaw in that infernally stubborn line that Bush was all too familiar with.
"Really Archie, I see no logic whatsoever in your case. To say a thing is like wings does not in truth prove that a thing has wings."
"But Horatio..."
Bush left the arguing lieutenants in the hold where he had found them and stumbled back to his cabin. Nothing made any sense on this infernal ship. Clearly madness was not confined to the unfortunate captain. Bush collapsed onto his cot, overtaken by exhaustion and more than a little confusion.
He dreamed he was on a ship, sailing west, it was raining and as the rain-curtain rolled back he saw the shore and before him a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Bush woke with a start, the midshipman of the watch was pounding his cabin door, "Mr Bush, sir, lookout's sighted land". Bush struggled up from his cot. The entire crew might be mad as a bag of monkeys but at least they had reached Santa Domingo. Without the assistance of wings.
With profound apologies to Messrs. Tolkien and Forrester
Author: Anteros
Characters: Bush, Kennedy, Hornblower, Wellard
Rating: G
Warnings: Stupid, stupid, stupid Hornblower / LoTR Crossover Crackfic
Notes: I'm blaming
Lieutenant Bush found his quarry in the furthest recess of the hold. Not a place one would expect to find two lieutenants and a midshipman in the normal course of duty. Not unless they had something to hide. Bush's approach had been so silent that he was on them before they had time to scatter.
"Gentlemen?"
Wellard jumped up from the keg he'd been sitting on knocking it over and sending it rolling across the deck with a hollow clatter. Kennedy startled and shot a glance at the man crouched beside him. Only Hornblower remained impassive his face immediately assuming the mask like quality Bush had observed on previous occasions.
"Mr Bush?" Hornblower made the simple response sound like a polite but adamant challenge.
"I thought I might find you here," Bush faltered slightly in the face of Hornblower's implacable gaze. "I thought...I thought you might be able to tell me what happened the night the captain fell."
Kennedy, flicked another quick look at Hornblower. The 4th lieutenant's nervous glance convinced Bush he was on the right track and he steeled his nerve to ask the question he had come seeking an answer for.
"How did the captain fall down the hatchway, Mr Hornblower?"
"Mr Bush I am quite certain I know no more than I have already told you. I can only assume he missed his footing and lost his balance." It was stated as such a simple matter of fact that Bush was almost prepared to believe Hornblower. But still that mask like expression disturbed him.
"And you're quite sure..."
"The captain lost his footing and fell. I saw it" It was Wellard who had butted in. The boy was standing against the bulkhead, face pale, eyes wide as a rabbit's caught in the glare of a poachers lantern.
"I saw it. It caught his ankle."
Both Kennedy and Hornblower startled and for a moment Bush saw an expression of horror of disbelief flit across the 3rd lieutenant's face.
"Someone caught the captain's ankle Mr Wellard?" Bush tried to keep his voice steady.
"No, no, not someone, some thing." The boy was pale with terror. "It was like a shadow with flame flickering all around it, like a cat of fire."
"A what?" Now it was Bush's turn to assume the countenance of a startled rabbit. The bossun's beating had clearly addled the boy's wits.
Wellard was gasping for breath but appeared determined to continue. "A cat... a whip... it... it... caught the captain and dragged him over the edge."
"Mr Wellard are you telling me that someone dragged the captain down the hatchway with a cat?"
Wellard was blinking furiously, he looked as if he was about to cry.
"I couldn't see sir. It was so dark, and it's shadow reached out like two vast wings...."
"Wings? Wings Mr Wellard?" Bush was still gaping in astonishment when Hornblower stepped in.
"Wings indeed! Clearly Mr Wellard is not himself. The boy is startling at shadows. No doubt a result of Dr Clive's ministrations."
"But Horatio, Mr Wellard did say wings," Kennedy cut in.
"Nonsense Mr Kennedy, I do believe the boy's words were "like wings."
"But if it is a creature of shadow and its shadow is like wings then surely it indeed has wings. You are the master of logic Horatio you must see that is the case." Kennedy had set his jaw in that infernally stubborn line that Bush was all too familiar with.
"Really Archie, I see no logic whatsoever in your case. To say a thing is like wings does not in truth prove that a thing has wings."
"But Horatio..."
Bush left the arguing lieutenants in the hold where he had found them and stumbled back to his cabin. Nothing made any sense on this infernal ship. Clearly madness was not confined to the unfortunate captain. Bush collapsed onto his cot, overtaken by exhaustion and more than a little confusion.
He dreamed he was on a ship, sailing west, it was raining and as the rain-curtain rolled back he saw the shore and before him a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Bush woke with a start, the midshipman of the watch was pounding his cabin door, "Mr Bush, sir, lookout's sighted land". Bush struggled up from his cot. The entire crew might be mad as a bag of monkeys but at least they had reached Santa Domingo. Without the assistance of wings.
With profound apologies to Messrs. Tolkien and Forrester
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 01:24 am (UTC)Anyway. Hilarious. One question is settled -- how the captain fell -- but I have the feeling the wing debate will never be put to rest! Poor Bush ...
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:46 pm (UTC)Heh, glad you enjoyed it and it made you giggle :)
I have the feeling the wing debate will never be put to rest!
Oh yes, I'm sure the boys will be arguing about this for quite some time!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 05:13 am (UTC)*g*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:49 pm (UTC)*bows* why thank you m'dear.
I'm glad that you didn't overdo it with the LOTR bit
What you mean with hobbits in the bilges and elves in the tops? I must admit I was tempted to make Wellard suddenly disappear though ;)
it's all very plausible in a very twisted, multidimensional sort of way..........
Plausible? Rofl!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 09:11 am (UTC)This is brilliant and I can totally see Horatio and Archie arguing like that, as absurd as it is.
He dreamed he was on a ship, sailing west, it was raining and as the rain-curtain rolled back he saw the shore and before him a far green country under a swift sunrise.
*rofl* Well, he is sailing west. And he does have the Hobbits' curly hair. See, you're not that far from canon. =)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:53 pm (UTC)Okay, you're allowed to read it. But no one else!
I can totally see Horatio and Archie arguing like that
And you just know they're never going to agree. In fact they're probably still arguing in some parallel crackfic universe even now!
See, you're not that far from canon.
Between you and me, I'm much more familiar with Tolkien book canon than CSF, but don't tell anyone ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 06:28 pm (UTC)If they haven't made enough noise to wake the Balrog yet again.
Between you and me, I'm much more familiar with Tolkien book canon than CSF
Yes, so am I, although I have forgotten so much over the years. There were times when I could have named the kings and queens of Numenor in chronological, and I used to write letters in elvish script with my online friends. Yeah, those were the days… :D
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 07:31 pm (UTC)Hehe me too!
and I used to write letters in elvish script with my online friends.
Okaaaay I never quite went that far... ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:18 pm (UTC)and to still owning a copy of Farmer Giles Of Ham:o
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:46 pm (UTC)Your Archie is looking rightly confused ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 12:05 am (UTC)translation in my first year at uni with Priscilla Tolkien for our tutor
any good?
just wrested the Fonseca Tawny away from Sir Edward so it really is good night now !
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 08:44 am (UTC)I also did Old English
translation in my first year at uni with Priscilla Tolkien for our tutor
I'll say!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 10:02 pm (UTC)Only the best in port - even if, unlike Pownall, he did not marry a wine merchants daughter !
Sir Edward was undoubtedly a little subdued earlier but is diligently at work on his agony uncle postbag currently
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 10:45 pm (UTC)even if, unlike Pownall, he did not marry a wine merchants daughter !
Perhaps that's just as well! ;)
Sir Edward was undoubtedly a little subdued earlier but is diligently at work on his agony uncle postbag currently
Glad to hear he is finally attending to the delicate matter of his crew's well being.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 11:44 pm (UTC)Back to 'Confused' - whom Nodbear has just excised from this picture - poor boy!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-24 09:21 am (UTC)Admirably sir, admirably!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 08:51 am (UTC)I was born too late, and in the wrong country!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 08:48 am (UTC)I don't even know those! *is ashamed*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 12:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 02:57 pm (UTC)having been privy to several balrog debates, the image of our boys debating it is just delightful.
Of course you know what happens next don't you? They carry on arguing, Archie storms off in the huff and then they have to make up by having really hawt secks ;) They never do agree about the wings though....
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 04:04 pm (UTC)okay I need a sequel.Now that doesn't normally happen in Tolkien Society debates. A least,, not to my knowledge.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 05:19 pm (UTC)No?? *bats eyelashes innocently* What a shame! ;P
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 01:18 pm (UTC)Thank you for a good laugh!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 03:03 pm (UTC)LOTR fans have been known to meet on deserted beaches to settle the matter of Balrog wings
I can believe it!! Which is one reason I am way too chicken to go near LOTR fandom ;)
Love your icon btw!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 05:14 pm (UTC)Not even on female dwarves. ;)
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Date: 2010-05-22 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 05:17 pm (UTC)I particularly liked the ending
Alas if only Mutiny & Retribution had ended with the pretty navy boys sailing off into the west!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 06:44 pm (UTC)and talking of costume - or lack of it - Anteros you have the blame for something that is coming shortly- not only involving lieutenants but seriously in danger of causing a lapse of judgement in a senior officer..
its all to do with sackcloth and buckets just in case you were wondering
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 07:43 pm (UTC)Yes I am rapidly coming to that conclusion... ;)
Anteros you have the blame for something that is coming shortly
Uh oh....
its all to do with sackcloth and buckets just in case you were wondering
Oh lordy, what have I started....?? You make Archie looks like Oor Wullie and I'll kill you!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 07:51 pm (UTC)and no, Archie could never resemble Oor Wullie except in the intentionally wicked grin
meanwhile back at the crackfic coalface Edward is just about to finish explaining to the admiral ....
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 08:07 pm (UTC)Nothing would surprise me!! But no, I won't call you out yet ;)
Archie could never resemble Oor Wullie except in the intentionally wicked grin
That is certainly something they do share!
meanwhile back at the crackfic coalface Edward is just about to finish explaining to the admiral ....
I hope he's not been at the port again?? I shudder to think.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 09:15 pm (UTC)ma'am if you had to go explain yourself to Hood you would be at the port too
all will be rvealed soon but Nodbear is at the moment on the phone - a not infrequent occurrence I have observed ...
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 10:49 pm (UTC)Indeed Sir Edward you have my deepest sympathy in such regards. However there are few trials a good Lisbon can not ease.
Nodbear is at the moment on the phone
Well I do hope Madam Nodbear is aware that you have purloined her LJ account in her absence!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:11 pm (UTC)*leaves hurriedly as Nodbear is heard on the way upstairs to her study*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:17 pm (UTC)Although everyone knows Horatio did it, mainly by leaving a snoring Bartholomew where Sawyer would trip over himno subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:42 pm (UTC)Don't worry dear,
no one else does either.everyone knows Horatio did it, mainly by leaving a snoring Bartholomew where Sawyer would trip over him
Does Bartholomew have wings?
no subject
Date: 2010-05-22 11:52 pm (UTC)Who knows what outfits they dress him up in?
no subject
Date: 2010-05-23 09:41 pm (UTC)seen here: http://spoiledrottendoggies.com/fcostumes.htm
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Date: 2010-05-23 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-31 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-01 12:35 am (UTC)