anteros_lmc | Navy Boys Problem Page aka Uncle Philemon's Mailbag

So,

nodbear and I set out to write a problem page for Navy Boys. Think of the opportunities for smut and innuendo!! Bad move. Neither of us read glossy mags and the smut fairies deserted us in disgust. The resulting problem pages appears to be more appropriate for a gentleman's magazine than for Navy Boys. *hangs head in shame* Still, we hope the editor will bear with us....

(With profuse apologies to William Shakespeare, John Donne, Herman Melville, CS Forester, Sir Edward Pellew, Captain Philemon Pownoll and poor old Corporal Robinson who really was disrated from the Indefatigable's muster books in 1797.)

Dear Ed, tried to sniff out some juicy gossip on those Indy boys but they're as miserable and angst ridden a crew as ever we came across. And that Captain of theirs? Call's himself Uncle Philemon after some bloke or another, takes his responsibilities far too seriously. Couldn't get a word of anything but sense out of him. Suggest next edition we go for Dreadnought Foster, bet his crew will be willing to dish some serious dirt on Navy Boys problem page. Also suspect he could recommend some tasty advice!

Two failed hacks.

anteros_lmc &

nodbear

"Confused" of HMS Indefatigable writes:

Mr Philemon Sir,

I am wracked with a terrible dilemma, I must confess to having improper thoughts and untoward urges towards a certain shipmate. I need no reminding that such longings contravene the 29th Article however, by my honour, I can not deny that such feelings exist. I am duty bound to add that the object of these unnatural desires is entirely blameless and no doubt oblivious of my true feelings. Although I can not help but notice that I catch his eye with some frequency. However I am sure that he despises me, base creature that I am, and indeed he frequently treats me with the scorn and derision I no doubt deserve. I am at a loss as to the honorable course of action. Any advice you could impart would be gratefully received as I fear my navigational studies are suffering as result of such distraction.

"Confused"
His Majesty's Ship Indefatigable

PS I am also having some difficulty sleeping and am increasingly troubled by nocturnal emissions which makes a terrible mess of ones hammock.

Dear Confused

My dear Young man, let us first establish something about the Articles of War – they are a necessary discipline to have as a standard and as you will know aboard your ship, to have read at appropriate points in the life of the ship. However there is a sense in which they are guidance to be interpreted rightly by the captain and officers and at this time I want you to consider that you can express your feelings free of anxiety that they impinge on a difficult subject.

As to your dilemma – your improper thoughts as you call them – is that truly the case? Could it not be that your thoughts are in fact loving and well intentioned and thus far from improper? Yes, they may be resulting in physical effects which, occurring in your dreams, cause difficulties, but this may be got over by anticipating your dreams while fully conscious and then being prepared for the resultant overspill – it makes sense to be always provided with some clean paper (which you can keep concealed in your hat - one of the many blessings of those rather awkward bicornes).

But while that may solve your hammock problem and be more conducive to some pleasure in your hard working life, and indeed lead you to sleep more restfully afterward, is it not likely that your shipmate and yourself need to converse about this matter?

You seem a man of honour and conscience and very dutiful – all of which are commendable in a young officer, as you may find your captain has tried to tell you already, but we are made for more than duty, more than England, sir – hence the phrase ‘England, home and beauty.’

Navigation is a necessary and vital skill and your captain and others will admire your diligence in this area, but even more crucial is the navigation of the heart. And it may be that your heart is still fearful of hearing condemnation or rejection - but you may well be surprised that your shipmate’s feeling for you illuminates a whole aspect of yourself you have not considered but which may contribute to your being just as fine an officer – if not indeed finer for understanding both love’s beauty and its terror .

It is likely that the fleet in this area will have the opportunity to have rotating shore leave fairly soon and I would advise that you seek to go with your shipmate for a few days rest – maybe making sure to take a bottle of Mr Cookworthy’s no 4 lotion and indeed some spare paper as mentioned above. If this advice seems strange to you, do not worry - I expect your shipmate will explain. Take courage, young sir, and I wish you well.

Uncle Philemon

"Unrequited" of HMS Indefatigable writes:

Dear Uncle Philemon,

I am the very worst sort of fool. I can not deny my true feelings any longer. I am in love. Indeed I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. The object of my desires is oblivious. He is a man of proud duty and high honour and clearly has no thought for the likes of me. But if it be a sin to covet his honour I am the most offending soul alive. I have tried be a true friend and to hide my feelings in jest but he clearly thinks me little better than a fool. I have only to show my face for him to beat a retreat behind his infernal navigation texts. I fear my patience is wearing thin and I can barely resist the urge to demonstrate my true feelings in most uncertain terms.

"Unrequited"
The Indy

PS Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares. If you understand me...

Dear Unrequited

I have the utmost sympathy with your plight but counsel you not to despair as yet – nor yet quite to cease resisting the urge to demonstrate your feelings – the time may well be ripe for that soon, but a good officer knows when to reserve his fire and when the time for a full broadside has come, not to say even a boarding party to carry the action and I suggest you consider this image for your present problem. The prize comes to those who wait out the mist, the lack of wind, the storms and the lee shores.

There are some young men – and the object of your desires seems to me to be one such – whose uncertainty of self leads them overly to deprecate their worth and therefore find it hard to recognise admiration and love and bury themselves in duty and regulation. I myself have recently reflected on this in the character of a young officer known to me, who remains unable to see his own success and the affection it causes in the hearts of his colleagues and captain. One can only persist with affection touched by a little irony to make it possible to continue chipping away at the defensiveness and self doubt.

You are wrong to cast yourself as foolish merely – to love as it is evident you do, is never wholly foolish for love itself is transformative even of folly. It may be that, should you feel able to do so, you could confide - obliquely of course - in one of the senior officers – you will be surprised, Unrequited, but they were all, even your captain, young once and most of them will have endured what you do now. The result of this might be that you and your shipmate may be granted shore-leave – and it is a pleasant time of year in these parts at the moment – the days and the evenings are long and very beautiful. Mindful of appropriate behaviour shipboard of course, you may find that some peaceful inn away from shipboard gossip is conducive to the resolution of your dilemma. And remember, once you have commenced the action, your goal is not to stop until all is surrendered to you.

Trust your instincts in these matters, Unrequited, though remember also the scriptural adage that one should be both as wise as the serpent and gentle as the dove. I wish you well, indeed.

Uncle Philemon.

"Scabby" of HMS Indefatigable writes:

Begging your pardon Mr Philemon Sir,

Wonder if I could trouble you for a bit of advice? Me and some of the lads see, we've got this little wager, just to pass the time like, nothing that would trouble the captain sir. You see it's the rats sir. Terrible nippy they are. Not that any of the officers was ever noticing. Not till that Mr Hornblower come aboard. Sharp as a tack that one sir and no mistake. So please sir is there anything you can do for rat bites? I told Mr Hornblower they was boils but he looked at me queer like. Fear he might have rumbled our sport sir.

"Scabby"
The Bloody Indy

Dear Scabby

This is one of the more unusual problems to come into my post bag I must say. I understand that you and the lads felt the need of amusement – but could you not find one less likely to injure yourselves? As the sharp young officer may well have told you, there could be severe penalties for rendering oneself unfit for service or the like – and surely a bit of harmless sport, as I am sure you see it, is not worth a flogging round the fleet.

I have no proven cure for rat bites, never having acquire one in my own varied naval career but I can recommend the lotions made by Mr Cookworthy of Plymouth in general terms. I think that they are both cleansing and soothing. I understand that such an item may be beyond the pay of an able seaman or landman, but it may well be that your surgeon has a similar preparation he might make up for you. Having solved the effect, however, consider the cause. It may be that your need for such sport sprang from idleness if you are among those who recently transferred from those fetid channel gropers at Spithead, in which case you will have other pursuits soon enough.

But might it not also be that it stems from not having a sufficient pride in yourself as a seaman and an Englishman ? You are one of God’s creatures no less than your young officer or a captain or an admiral – and no less made in the divine image. Though you may not consider your looks worth anything who knows but what mother, or sweetheart may? Take a pride in yourself and your worth – you are an Indefatigable now and that should count for something ! Good Luck, seaman.

Uncle Philemon

"Corporal Miserable" of HMS Indefatigable writes:
Uncle Philemon,

I am quite miserable aboard this wretched ship. All I ever wanted was to join a line regiment but oh no, I end up with the marines. And who'd be a marine sir, even a corporal? The seamen cast an evil eye on us and to call a man "horse-marine" is one of the greatest terms of contempt. Yet when the vessel is fairly engaged, there we are drawn up in the ship's waist like a company reviewing in the Park. At close quarters our muskets might pick off a seaman or two in the rigging, but at long-gun distance we must passively stand in our ranks and be decimated at the enemy's leisure. It's no life I tell you and I fear I am taking to the drink. I have already been reprimanded for drunkenness and fighting with the privates and fear I will be reduced to the ranks.

"Corporal Miserable"
Royal Marines

Dear Corporal Miserable

I am indeed distressed that you are finding life so difficult in the marine detachment onboard. But it us as well to articulate these things before they build up to a proportion which causes damage to yourself as well as others.

You have now begun to create a reputation for yourself because of the drinking and fighting, and you need to turn things around before that reputation becomes permanent. This could begin by your discussing with the sergeant your feelings, because if you and other marines have been subjected to derogatory remarks by crew member s it should be rectified and the way to achieve that is for the captain to be briefed so that he can investigate.

I note that you have expressed a wish to be in a line regiment and I feel that we must believe in second chances always so I will endeavour to have a word with your captain. It may be that a place could be found for you in the 95th Foot. You would find no easy berth under Major Edrington but a fair one and one well inclined to understand the men who serve under him.

I suggest to you and shall suggest to your captain something of a bargain – no more being written up for drinking or fighting and in three weeks and if at the end of that time your record had no more offences added to it then I think it is possible that Your transfer to a line regiment – indeed one of the very best.

Try to speak of your darker feelings in order they do not get the better of you - easier said than done as I know to my own cost. Be patient and open – all chances are not over yet.

Uncle Philemon

A postscript from Ed. Pellew (aka Uncle Philemon)

Dear Mesdames Anteros and Nodbear.

I have done my best - though I am clearly captain of the most angst-ridden ship in His Majesty's Navy - I do not know why this should be so, can you ladies advise the advisor? I do my best to be father, big brother, matchmaker and apothecary all at once - but sometimes it tries a captain's patience *heads for decanter* And I worry that some of these young men, and one in particular, may begin to be influenced by some very unsuitable types, like that Dreadnought Foster, insufferable popinjay that he is!

I have the honour to be
your Most Obedt
& Humble servant

Ed. Pellew